One month ago tonight I came to the realization that I was done. I quit on God.
I have this special journal that I will give to my Future husband on our wedding day..I call it my Boaz journal. In January 2012 I surrendered my life to the Lord and the first thing he dealt with me about was waiting..God told me to wait for my man. I thought he’d make me go to Africa, or some bible college far away if I surrendered to him, no that’s not what happened. God said wait for him. Sometimes I think one of the other choices might have been easier! I didn’t want to do that, but I did. I have. I still am. And I’m pretty much the most impatient person on the planet!
Anyways, a few months after saying I’d wait my mom gave me a book called, Praying For Your Future Husband..in the book it mentioned writing letters to him. I thought it was lame honestly, but the Lord worked in my heart and I started writing letters. Two years later I wanted to get a journal so I could keep everything together. I searched for months trying to find the perfect one. I started writing in it August 2014. For the past 5 years I’ve written prayers, verses, letters etc.. My Boaz journal has always been special to me. It’s went through many valleys, and there’s been many tears cried as I’ve written in it. It’s seen a lot of No’s from God.
It’s all part of my story. A story I’ve always been proud to have. I was always grateful I’d decided to wait for God to send the right one. Like I said at the beginning, on March 7 I decided I was done. I was done with God. I was done with his Word. And I was done with waiting.
Let me back up just a bit.. last summer (2018) I became very discouraged in the Lord. I took my eyes off Jesus, and put them on everyone around me, and everything around me. Instead of running to God, and clinging more tightly like I should have I left. I gave up. I quit without realizing I had quit. I left my church I’d once loved. I was determined to live a life of convenience and just be content sitting on a pew. I wanted to just do me. Nothing felt right though. I tried new churches, nothing felt like home. For a long time I felt like the prodigal son..I thought I could go home but it would never be the same. I continued to run from God.
So back to the journal..one month ago tonight I grabbed my journal and wrote words I never thought I would write. I only had one front and back page left in the whole book. on the front of my last page I wrote that I’d regretted waiting, I’d regretted living for the Lord. In my mind all I seen was that I’d lived right and it got me nowhere..I was still alone. Still single. Still waiting for someone who just never seemed to come. Every time I met someone new it ended in God sayin No, and new wounds to my heart. I am no stranger to heartbreak, and my dreams being shattered over and over again. I was tired of the thoughts and memories of it all. I was tired of being let down by people, and in my mind even by God.
The last thing I wrote was this: “This is my life”. I underlined MY, slammed the book and threw it across the room. It hit my bedroom door and fell to the floor. This book that I’d poured my heart into no longer meant anything to me. I just left it there on the floor. I didn’t want it anymore. Any of it. I was furious with God. I was bitter. I had finally decided I was going to live MY life how I wanted. I was done. But God wasn’t done with me (insert praise hands!!!)
When you get “done” with God is when He will show up! For some reason I went to a youth meeting the very next night. On my way there I was listening to music I shouldn’t have been, going way to fast on wet roads. For the first time in my life I hydroplaned.. I lost control of my car, was swerving all over the place. I almost hit a car coming in the other lane, then a road sign on the other side of the road, then I did something super stupid..I over corrected when I went off the side of the road. My car could’ve flipped. It could have been so bad, but God got me back in my lane and I went on to church. I truly think the devil was trying to stop me from going.
I had no intentions of getting right, or help. My mind was made up. I went because my friend was going to be there, and I had nothing else to do. But the Lord knew I needed to be there. Pre Doug Raynes preached about being fools, the simple, and the scoffers..he quoted Proverbs 15:32 He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul..it literally felt like someone hit me with a brick. I knew me being in charge of my life would mean destruction.
I went home that night and set my bible on the kitchen counter..I had a choice to make. Ignore what I’d heard, or do something with it. I opened it up to Proverbs 15:32 and read it again, “He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul..” I knew I didn’t want to despise my own soul..the soul that Jesus had given his life for and redeemed. I was hurting, and angry and confused. I grabbed my bible and went to my bed. Thank the Lord no one was home because little did I know it was about to get Real, REAL between me and God. It was just me, my dogs, and the Lord. I have cherished 1 Samuel 1 for a few years because Hannah’s story reminds me so much of my own. I started reading it and just giving God a piece of my mind every few words I read.
“How could you do this to me God? Why? I don’t understand. I have trusted you, lived for you, waited for you and I’m left like this. All alone. Why can’t you just give me what I want? I know you’re able. I don’t understand why you haven’t answered my prayer yet?” The accusations went on and on. I kept reading chapter one while I yelled at the Lord. He so graciously let me say what I needed to.
Y’all when I say I was mad, I was.. we weren’t sitting there popping bubble gum with light hearted conversation..noooo I’m talking screaming, yelling, hitting-my-bible-maddd-at-God. (Yes extra Ds on that mad!). I was so bitter. I was at a place I’d never been before.
Then I noticed one tiny little word in verse 6–> FRET. The Bible says, “And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her FRET, because the Lord had shut up her womb.” I always thought fret meant afraid, or scared...nope it means to irritate with anger, to trouble, to rub against. Year after year Hannah was made to fret..I realized Hannah was MADDD too! Her mad grew each year. It became too much, just like mine had became too much.
She was bitter. She was broken. She didn’t understand. She was so done. And so was I. Hannah poured it all out before God. That night through lots of tears, and a whole lot of mean words God sat with me while I poured it ALL out. He allowed every hurt, every let down, every NO, every shut door, everything that I’d tried to hide away and forget about to come to the surface and I poured it all out before him. God knew I didn’t need to hold onto all those feelings, because those feelings were controlling me.
As I look back over the last few months before that March night I can see God trying over and over again to get me to come to him..I would wake up some mornings with a verse on my mind.. for a few weeks it was, “if I make my bed in Hell, thou art there” psalm 139:8. God was saying, “I don’t care where you go, I’m going with you”. Literally everyday in February it rained..rain is something special between me and the Lord. Every time I seen the rain I knew he was trying to get me to just talk to him, but I kept running. I kept ignoring him. When I first got saved I was struggling and needed to be reminded that everything was okay and God was still in control..he sent me some rain and it was like the Holy Spirit said “no one can make it rain but me.” So many times since that day when I just need to be reminded I’ll ask God to send a little rain. He always does.
For 10 years I’ve prayed, “God don’t give up on me”. I should’ve been praying, “God help me not to give up on you!” Because through this part of my story He has proven to me He will NEVER give up on his child. He will never give up on your story He’s writing for you. He’s working even in the waiting. My waiting years are not wasted years!
I can’t believe I got so far that I put my bible on a shelf. I couldn’t read it. I didn’t want any part of it. Like I said earlier, it’s all part of my story. This is my story. It’s no longer perfect. I’m not the goody-two-shoes that people think I am. I am not perfect. My relationship with the Lord isn’t what it was this time last year. Honestly, I’m still upset with myself that I actually got mad and bitter at God. How could I do that? Idk but I did. My amazing God who loves me mistakes and all..the fact that he wanted me back blows my mind. I’m so grateful he never gave up on me!!!
I quit on God, but He didn’t quit on me. Thank you Lord!
Whatever you’re running from, you can come home. You can be restored. I’m living proof. He’s a good good father and he will work it all out for you.
Don’t you give up on HIM because He will never ever give up on you. 
