Shut up perfection, I AM making Progress

It’s been a month since 2020 began. I usually choose a word for the year and somewhere along the way I usually forget it, or give up on it. 2020’s word is PROGRESS. I sat at my journal reviewing all this month had brought and I thought to myself “there wasn’t really any progress”. But the more I wrote and thought,  the more I realized exactly what progress is. 

In my mind progress is doing big things, accomplishing everything on my list everyday, eating a certain way, and putting in ___ amount of hours in the gym. This month I failed at these. But what if progress is choosing to see things in a new perspective. 

Perfection screams, but progress steals its name. I too often believe progress equals perfection, but that’s impossible. I’m not perfect. I didn’t have a perfect month. It was a month full of things that were out of my control. 

I can use these as excuses..balancing a job, college classes, and student teaching, having a lost grandpa that’s dying of pancreatic cancer, missing my boyfriend who lives 17 hours away, having family issues that aren’t being resolved, doubting myself constantly, sickness..this month I’ve had it all. 

Everyday I showed up. Everyday I did what I had to do. It might not have been pretty and it wasn’t easy, but I did it. That is what I’m choosing for progress to be. 

Sometimes progress isn’t evident until later down the road; sometimes it’s inward where no one else can see. Choosing to show up for those you love, showing up for yourself, showing up when you just don’t think you can-that’s still progress.

To choose to fight another day when your boxing gloves are worn out, to choose to say another prayer and once again not receive an answer-that progress, and one day progress pays off. God is forever faithful. He will not fail you. He has not forgotten you. Keep on walking! Keep on fighting. Keep growing! Keep going! You ARE making progress. Don’t forget to give yourself grace. 

I usually pick a verse for the year as well. 2020’s verse is:

But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen. -2 Peter 3:18

That time I quit on God

One month ago tonight I came to the realization that I was done. I quit on God. 

I have this special journal that I will give to my Future husband on our wedding day..I call it my Boaz journal. In January 2012 I surrendered my life to the Lord and the first thing he dealt with me about was waiting..God told me to wait for my man. I thought he’d make me go to Africa, or some bible college far away if I surrendered to him, no that’s not what happened. God said wait for him. Sometimes I think one of the other choices might have been easier! I didn’t want to do that, but I did. I have. I still am. And I’m pretty much the most impatient person on the planet!

Anyways, a few months after saying I’d wait my mom gave me a book called, Praying For Your Future Husband..in the book it mentioned writing letters to him. I thought it was lame honestly, but the Lord worked in my heart and I started writing letters. Two years later I wanted to get a journal so I could keep everything together. I searched for months trying to find the perfect one. I started writing in it August 2014. For the past 5 years I’ve written prayers, verses, letters etc.. My Boaz journal has always been special to me. It’s went through many valleys, and there’s been many tears cried as I’ve written in it. It’s seen a lot of No’s from God.

It’s all part of my story. A story I’ve always been proud to have. I was always grateful I’d decided to wait for God to send the right one. Like I said at the beginning, on March 7 I decided I was done. I was done with God. I was done with his Word. And I was done with waiting. 

Let me back up just a bit.. last summer (2018) I became very discouraged in the Lord.  I took my eyes off Jesus, and put them on everyone around  me, and everything around me. Instead of running to God, and clinging more tightly like I should have I left. I gave up. I quit without realizing I had quit. I left my church I’d once loved. I was determined to live a life of convenience and just be content sitting on a pew. I wanted to just do me. Nothing felt right though. I tried new churches, nothing felt like home. For a long time I felt like the prodigal son..I thought I could go home but it would never be the same. I continued to run from God. 

So back to the journal..one month ago tonight I grabbed my journal and wrote words I never thought I would write. I only had one front and back page left in the whole book. on the front of my last page I wrote that I’d regretted waiting, I’d regretted living for the Lord. In my mind all I seen was that I’d lived right and it got me nowhere..I was still alone. Still single. Still waiting for someone who just never seemed to come. Every time I met someone new it ended in God sayin No, and new wounds to my heart. I am no stranger to heartbreak, and my dreams being shattered over and over again. I was tired of the thoughts and memories of it all. I was tired of being let down by people, and in my mind even by God. 

The last thing I wrote was this: “This is my life”. I underlined MY, slammed the book and threw it across the room. It hit my bedroom door and fell to the floor. This book that I’d poured my heart into no longer meant anything to me. I just left it there on the floor. I didn’t want it anymore. Any of it. I was furious with God. I was bitter. I had finally decided I was going to live MY life how I wanted. I was done. But God wasn’t done with me (insert praise hands!!!) 

When you get “done” with God is when He will show up! For some reason I went to a youth meeting the very next night. On my way there I was listening to music I shouldn’t have been, going way to fast on wet roads. For the first time in my life I hydroplaned.. I lost control of my car, was swerving all over the place. I almost hit a car coming in the other lane, then a road sign on the other side of the road, then I did something super stupid..I over corrected when I went off the side of the road. My car could’ve flipped. It could have been so bad, but God got me back in my lane and I went on to church. I truly think the devil was trying to stop me from going.

I had no intentions of getting right, or help. My mind was made up. I went because my friend was going to be there, and I had nothing else to do. But the Lord knew I needed to be there. Pre Doug Raynes preached about being fools, the simple, and the scoffers..he quoted Proverbs 15:32 He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul..it literally felt like someone hit me with a brick. I knew me being in charge of my life would mean destruction.

I went home that night and set my bible on the kitchen counter..I had a choice to make. Ignore what I’d heard, or do something with it. I opened it up to Proverbs 15:32 and read it again, “He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul..” I knew I didn’t want to despise my own soul..the soul that Jesus had given his life for and redeemed. I was hurting, and angry and confused. I grabbed my bible and went to my bed. Thank the Lord no one was home because little did I know it was about to get Real, REAL between me and God. It was just me, my dogs, and the Lord. I have cherished 1 Samuel 1 for a few years because Hannah’s story reminds me so much of my own. I started reading it and just giving God a piece of my mind every few words I read. 

“How could you do this to me God? Why? I don’t understand. I have trusted you, lived for you, waited for you and I’m left like this. All alone. Why can’t you just give me what I want? I know you’re able. I don’t understand why you haven’t answered my prayer yet?” The accusations went on and on. I kept reading chapter one while I yelled at the Lord. He so graciously let me say what I needed to. 

Y’all when I say I was mad, I was.. we weren’t sitting there popping bubble gum with light hearted conversation..noooo I’m talking screaming, yelling, hitting-my-bible-maddd-at-God. (Yes extra Ds on that mad!). I was so bitter. I was at a place I’d never been before. 

Then I noticed one tiny little word in verse 6–> FRET. The Bible says, “And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her FRET, because  the Lord had shut up her womb.” I always thought fret meant afraid, or scared...nope it means to irritate with anger, to trouble, to rub against. Year after year Hannah was made to fret..I realized Hannah was MADDD too! Her mad grew each year. It became too much, just like mine had became too much.

She was bitter. She was broken. She didn’t understand. She was so done. And so was I. Hannah poured it all out before God. That night through lots of tears, and a whole lot of mean words God sat with me while I poured it ALL out. He allowed every hurt, every let down, every NO, every shut door, everything that I’d tried to hide away and forget about to come to the surface and I poured it all out before him. God knew I didn’t need to hold onto all those feelings, because those feelings were controlling me.

As I look back over the last few months before that March night I can see God trying over and over again to get me to come to him..I would wake up some mornings with a verse on my mind.. for a few weeks it was, “if I make my bed in Hell, thou art there” psalm 139:8. God was saying, “I don’t care where you go, I’m going with you”. Literally everyday in February it rained..rain is something special between me and the Lord. Every time I seen the rain I knew he was trying to get me to just talk to him, but I kept running. I kept ignoring him. When I first got saved I was struggling and needed to be reminded that everything was okay and God was still in control..he sent me some rain and it was like the Holy Spirit said “no one can make it rain but me.” So many times since that day when I just need to be reminded I’ll ask God to send a little rain. He always does. 

For 10 years I’ve prayed, “God don’t give up on me”. I should’ve been praying, “God help me not to give up on you!” Because through this part of my story He has proven to me He will NEVER give up on his child. He will never give up on your story He’s writing for you. He’s working even in the waiting. My waiting years are not wasted years! 

I can’t believe I got so far that I put my bible on a shelf. I couldn’t read it. I didn’t want any part of it. Like I said earlier, it’s all part of my story. This is my story. It’s no longer perfect. I’m not the goody-two-shoes that people think I am. I am not perfect. My relationship with the Lord isn’t what it was this time last year. Honestly, I’m still upset with myself that I actually got mad and bitter at God. How could I do that? Idk but I did. My amazing God who loves me mistakes and all..the fact that he wanted me back blows my mind. I’m so grateful he never gave up on me!!! 

I quit on God, but He didn’t quit on me. Thank you Lord!

Whatever you’re running from, you can come home. You can be restored. I’m living proof. He’s a good good father and he will work it all out for you.

Don’t you give up on HIM because He will never ever give up on you. 

And of some having compassion..

If you are feeling discouraged read this:::: Yesterday my mom found one of our baby chicks (not so little anymore, but not fully grown yet) being pecked to death by the other chicks in the coop. She was just standing there being pecked. She couldn’t fight them alone. I was at work when Moma text and told me about it. It made me so mad to think that they would do that to her! She is smaller than the others, and when I’ve been around the coop I’ve noticed a little brown chick off by herself. I’m assuming this is her. Moma and Manda got her out of there and put her in a cage by herself. They cleaned her wounds and tried to feed her and give her water to drink. She is so weak. We’ve had chickens for almost 2 years, and are still learning about them. These chicks have been together since the beginning of April when Daddy bought them. How could they do this to one of their own?? Moma told me that’s just how they are..when one is smaller or sick they (sometimes) will gang up and attack/kill it. I wanted to go out to the coop and smack them all! But how much are we like these mean chicks? 

We had a missionary visit our church a few months ago. I don’t remember his name, but I remember the words he said. His mission is to exhort others, especially missionaries. He said, “exhort means to pull aside and lift up”. That’s written throughout the Bible, but usually we’re like the chicks. We attack the isolated ones. We leave them out. We hurt them with our words, and actions. It seems as though the ones who need the most encouragement and love are the ones we couldn’t care less about. It’s easy to say we care, but it takes effort to show we care. 

No one had her back. All had turned against her. But my little Moma showed up and saved her! She took her out of that mess. She is suffering even now because of the actions of the others. Now she must heal and get lots of rest. 

This chick stood her ground and she is still fighting! Maybe someone has turned on you and it seems like no one cares. Maybe you’re injured and can’t find help. It is coming! One day soon you will be pulled out of there! This world lacks compassion. Sadly the church lacks it as well. 

My mom did exactly what we should all be doing. Pull aside the hurting, broken, burdened, and sick ones,  and uplift them, help, love, pray for, show a little kindness towards. 

I believe God’s hands are evident in all things. He can use anything to teach us and grow us. I’m thankful He used little Bridgey to speak the importance of showing compassion. My mom and sis did the right thing, isn’t that why were all suppose to do? 

Don’t stop standing your ground. Don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop loving. Don’t stop giving. Don’t give up. Our big God sees you and He’s got your back! And lastly, there are still some good people out there who really do care! 🖤 

{Psalms 139:5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.}

{Colossians 3:12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;}

{Romans 12:8 Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness.}

{Hebrews 3:13 But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.}

Don't run ahead..just wait!

Been thinking about this..God greatly blessed Sarah even though she messed up in the wait..How much
more will He bless those who sit still and patiently wait for Him to do the work He's already promised He will do?

Sarah ran ahead of God, and set in motion her own plan which she thought was the solution for her barrenness. It resulted in a bitter heart, a runaway slave (Hagar) and an unwanted baby (Ishmael). She made a mess and she still didn't have the one thing she wanted more than anything ..a baby!Ishmael became a constant reminder of her mistake. All she had to do was what she'd done her whole life..just keep waiting. That can be the absolute hardest thing to do when we feel we are ready NOW. Over the years God revealed himself to Abraham and told him bits and pieces of His amazing plan. He never personally told Sarah anything. She like myself had a hard time submitting and being patient. I am the most impatient person!!🙈
 Elisabeth Elliot said, "Do nothing." We want so badly to DO when all God wants is for us to TRUST❤️
{Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24}

But Jesus Loves You

Now Jesus loved Martha.. When he had heard therefore that he (Lazarus) was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.
John 11:6a,7

Jesus loved Martha. Martha, the one who fussed at him in Luke 10. The one who thought he didn't care about her. The one who felt alone in serving. The one who needed rest but didn't seem to know it or the author of it.

But Jesus loved Martha. In this chapter her brother is deathly sick. Just like you and I do very often they cry out to Jesus to come and heal him. But this Jesus who loves Martha doesn't come. He didn't do what she asked. He didn't come when she called. If he loved her shouldn't he have came running as fast as he could? The end of verse 5 says Jesus loved her sister, and Lazarus. So why would he stay 2 extra days where he was? How could someone love someone and not come and help when they ask? If Jesus loved these people why didn't he show up and show it?

I must be honest. I have a problem with God not doing things when and how I want. His word says over and over if we call He will answer, and if we need him he is {always} there. But way too often God seems invisible. Sometimes it's like He is not there at all.

I think about Martha..how she had been changed since the time Jesus had came for dinner at her house. She had been so anxious, so angry, and so annoyed, that she missed those sweet blessings of being in Jesus' presence. Jesus was so patient with her. There was so much love behind those words, "Martha, Martha". He wasn't chastising her, but calming her with his precious voice. But here they are in a hopeless, broken situation. Lazarus is dying and Jesus isn't coming like they hoped and prayed.

I can imagine the disappointment Martha and Mary felt that moment Lazarus died. I can imagine the bitter thoughts that filled their minds as hour after hour passed and their Saviour still hadn't arrived.

But Jesus loved Martha.
And I have to say the broken heart isn't the end of the story. They didn't get what they asked for. Instead they got a miracle. The miracle is always worth the brokenness. It's worth the doubts. It's worth the wait. It's worth the wavering faith.

Think about that..God allows things to happen which shake our faith for a moment because He knows very soon it'll strengthen and grow deeper roots of faith in us!

Maybe he hasn't came when you called. Maybe you're still waiting. Maybe your dream has died. Just remember "Now Jesus loved Martha". But Jesus loved YOU.

The Christian life is a journey..day by day we walk through valleys, up mountains, through night seasons, storms, trial after trial, flat tire, you name it..these are what life is. It's hard! The Lord knows that. Sometimes we wonder if he really loves us, but soon his love will be evident to those around you. The Jews said, "Behold how he loved him!" In verse 36.

He loves me so much that he won't give me what I want. He loves me so much that he won't do what I want. He used their story to get glory! He loves me so much that he wants others to see his love as well.

That's what real love is. Oh the love of Jesus how vast, how measureless!
Don't forget how much Jesus loves YOU. He knows best and only does what is best. We must trust him. Sometimes we have to have patience with God.